What is a Poly/Kink/Trans/Queer/Pro-Choice affirming Therapy Practice?

One of the great privileges in my life was that I went to school for music in Toronto, and right before COVID happened too. The thing about doing an arts degree in a big city like that is that you get to meet folks from every walk of life. I grew up in a rural, small town where most of the talk was about work, the yard, and money. There wasn't the most conversation happening about identity, sense of self, sense of gender, how society shapes the relationship structures we have somehow come to accept in North America and beyond. No, those conversations started for me much later.

During the pandemic, I started testing out new pronouns for myself (she/they) while I was in school for counselling. I also started to truly accept the fact that I might be bisexual, but more on the asexual/grey-sexual spectrum overall. Truth be told, it was a really complicated time that felt a lot like ego death. Sometimes it's easier to just accept the narratives that have been created for you than getting in there and digging it all up by the roots to see who you might actually be. But, I decided to get in there and, scary as it was, it really helped me. Spending a lot of time researching, reading, talking to others in the 2SLGBTQAI+ community, and starting to figure out if I too might get to belong somewhere within that umbrella.

While doing all that research and soul searching, I learned about a lot of other people's experiences too. In fact that research simply never ends, especially if you're a therapist. The great privilege of this job is that if you're lucky, you're going to meet everyone, from everywhere, and every walk of life. I believe that in order to hold truly solid therapeutic space, you need to be open. You need to be prepared for any and every story so that no one ever feels like they're too much (because they are not). You need to be educated on your own time so that no one ever feels like they need to explain or justify their existence to you (they should not have to). You also need to be humble, that you can't ever know what someone else's life feels like to live, because we will never truly know that, and that is just good therapeutic alliance to believe so.

At this time in my practice, a lot of the folks I work with find themselves somewhere under the 2SLGBTQAI+ umbrella. There are shared experiences that I have with some of my clients, and a lot that I don't. Still, I think there are ways in which we can make one another feel welcome to share, even if we don't share all the same stories.

So what is an affirming practice, and how come there are so many different community titles that come along with each other?

As someone within the nonbinary spectrum, my way of thinking is this: nothing is ever just one thing. Everything carries shades of one another. In order to be accepting of some, really, we must be accepting of all. We also must be able to see the systems of oppression which is impacting everyone, all the time. If I am able to see that everyone is deserving of autonomy, respect, dignity and joy, then I cannot close off to that idea for any one person. That is what an affirming therapy practice has imbued within it.

So what can you expect from an affirming therapy practice?

First of all, no raised eyebrows when you mention a kink dungeon. No pathologizing if you express an interest in something that has once been considered taboo. No why questions about an abortion. No shame. No blame. No confusion. No uncertainty. An affirming therapist will believe you, and trust in you to be the expert in your life.

You can also expect questions, how certain things in your life inform who you are, what your relationship with certain elements might be, how you experience yourself and your physical body, how you somatically experience relationships, logistical questions about your partners, these kinds of things.

It's also important to know that a queer, trans, kink, poly, pro-life, feminist, etc therapist is completely capable of supporting you aren't within those communities. Every therapist is required to know their scope of practice and may let you know if they don't work with your topics, but they will be able to meet you where you are with your experience of your lived reality. Therapists exist to help you clarify any biases, fears, traumas and pain that might preclude you from living your life to the fullest. The most important thing you can do is to meet the therapist, see if it's a good match, see how they can help you with what it is you're dealing, and go from there.

Being an affirming therapist is a privilege. Meeting you, for exactly who you are, and supporting you in being yourself, is such a gift. You are a gift. You deserve to see that in yourself as much as your therapist sees it in you.